I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
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