toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
