My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize