You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
