wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He better not be in your backpack
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
