i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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