She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
the gays at disneyland are vicious
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
