A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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