i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Randomize