Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
