Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
