you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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