I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
