I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
