I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Randomize
