Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
