well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
