I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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