I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
it hurts more in the daytime
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
