I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
