I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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