My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
