He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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