Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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