life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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