No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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