I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Randomize
