hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
