My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
