You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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