i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
