I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
