My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Well I just put wine in my tea
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
