I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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