never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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