Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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