Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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