You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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