i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
