there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
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