i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
