i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
