Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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