did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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