My room smells like vodka and shame
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
