Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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