I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
