I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
did i just pee glitter
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
