I can text with my tongue
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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