after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
