In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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