My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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