Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Brb crying the tears of my youth
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
