Taylor Swift is so right about you.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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