it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
