Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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