Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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