can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
