I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
