So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
