just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I can't turn off my feet"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I need a beard to bite.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Randomize
